Handling Love before marriage, after marriage
This is one such topic that came up during our usual yapping while having lunch. It all started when one of my friend told about one of his colleague (lets call him X). X's story is as follows.
X was in US on a project, while his parents had fixed up his marriage back in India. The engagement was done and there was about 3 months between the engagement and the marriage. So during that 3 months X and his fiance used to talk over the phone and chat online everyday. All this continued for 2.5 months. Meanwhile X had made arrangement to go back to India for his marriage and reached India 2 weeks earlier to his marriage. With one week to go for the marriage, when X was talking to his fiance, he got a shock of his life. X's fiance wanted X to tell her parents that he does not like her. Itseems X's fiance was in love with another person and her parents forced her to go for the marriage and she could not oppose them so gave in and agreed for the marriage. Now she was not able to accept her marriage with X when she loved someone else. X told her to deal with her parents on her own rather than he lying to them and so the marraige was stopped a week ahead of the marriage date.
In this case what X's fiance did was wrong, she should not have agreed for the marraige in the first place, atleast she should have told X long before rather than breaking the news a week before the marriage. The girl's parents were also on the wrong side, they should'nt have forced their girl into a marriage, that she's not interested.
With this story as a prelude, we were caught up in a discussion, if a girl/guy loves someone and is made to marry someone else, should she/he tell her/his spouse about it? If yes, when should she/he be telling her/his spouse about it? Immediately after marriage or after some time. And same questions when the situation is twisted with the couple(lovers) having had pre-marital sex?
According to me, its the fear of marraige break that hinders one from telling about their past love to their spouse. How should such situations be handled? Is it right for the spouse to break the marriage or should they move on in life leaving the past behind?
I am sure the occurance of the above situation is no more in rarity in our society. So its not something that can be ignored for convenience. So what do you think is an ideal solution other than head butting like Zizou.
Varta...
X was in US on a project, while his parents had fixed up his marriage back in India. The engagement was done and there was about 3 months between the engagement and the marriage. So during that 3 months X and his fiance used to talk over the phone and chat online everyday. All this continued for 2.5 months. Meanwhile X had made arrangement to go back to India for his marriage and reached India 2 weeks earlier to his marriage. With one week to go for the marriage, when X was talking to his fiance, he got a shock of his life. X's fiance wanted X to tell her parents that he does not like her. Itseems X's fiance was in love with another person and her parents forced her to go for the marriage and she could not oppose them so gave in and agreed for the marriage. Now she was not able to accept her marriage with X when she loved someone else. X told her to deal with her parents on her own rather than he lying to them and so the marraige was stopped a week ahead of the marriage date.
In this case what X's fiance did was wrong, she should not have agreed for the marraige in the first place, atleast she should have told X long before rather than breaking the news a week before the marriage. The girl's parents were also on the wrong side, they should'nt have forced their girl into a marriage, that she's not interested.
With this story as a prelude, we were caught up in a discussion, if a girl/guy loves someone and is made to marry someone else, should she/he tell her/his spouse about it? If yes, when should she/he be telling her/his spouse about it? Immediately after marriage or after some time. And same questions when the situation is twisted with the couple(lovers) having had pre-marital sex?
According to me, its the fear of marraige break that hinders one from telling about their past love to their spouse. How should such situations be handled? Is it right for the spouse to break the marriage or should they move on in life leaving the past behind?
I am sure the occurance of the above situation is no more in rarity in our society. So its not something that can be ignored for convenience. So what do you think is an ideal solution other than head butting like Zizou.
Varta...
posted by KK @ 10:41 PM
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18 Comments:
At July 21, 2006 1:09 AM,
Keshi said…
I say where there is true love, both should work together to get married. After all, it's u who's gonna have to live with the person u marry. So if u love someone, marry him/her irrespective of what parents have to say.
Keshi.
At July 21, 2006 2:01 AM,
Has to be me said…
X's fiance shd've told him this in the beginning itself so that the poor guy didnt have to come all the way down fr the marriage & also avoid all the unnecessary ?s from the others as to y he didnt get married! Pavum.
Next regd ur ?, there is no such thing as a right thing or wrong thing. I feel the situation is v,subjective & will vary person to person & their capacity to handle such an issue.
Hmm so looks like u r deeply concerned abt ur stand in marriage?! ;)))
At July 21, 2006 4:28 AM,
prithz said…
Hmm... It was wrong on X's fiance's part to have done such a thing. i really dutn know wat to suggest, probably, i am not mature enough to suggest.
I feel, one has got to respect our parents feelings and make our way accordingly. If one has got really broad minded parents, then probably, one can get into a relationship... but otherwise, it is tuf and hurting if we get into any such thing and later if that turns out to be dissapointing.
At July 21, 2006 7:38 AM,
s0ulasylum said…
there we go again.. :) marriage is a topic such that .. its to each his own.. but deftly wht ur frnds' fiance did was totally out of line and she probably needs a hard hit in the face before she does this anyone else.. i think if you dont have the guts to stand up for the relationship ur in .. you shdn't be in it at all!.. leaving two lives dangling in the air is not cool..
At July 21, 2006 12:56 PM,
Syam said…
first that girl's parents made a mistake, that lead the girl to make another mistake and made innocent Mr.X to suffer,it happend to one my friend too but this girl told that she doesn't want to live with him after two days from wedding...
At July 21, 2006 1:40 PM,
Butterflies said…
I think the girl has to open up right b4 the proposal got fixed up...that would be better if she feels the love in her life is that worth!
Its absolutely crazy on the girl to screw up in the last minute!Ya these days things are real risky`
At July 21, 2006 4:23 PM,
KK said…
@Keshi - I understand what you say, but some parents because of society pressure dont let their siblings to choose their life partner.
@Has to be me - Yes, X is pavam, he has to answer so many people.
Yeah kinda concerned when I try putting myself in such situations :)
@Prithz -
//If one has got really broad minded parents, then probably, one can get into a relationship//
Well said, a very matured appraoch :)
@S0ulasylum - Boy! looks like I better make you vendakka sambar soon, else I will get a hard hit on my face ;)
//i think if you dont have the guts to stand up for the relationship ur in .. you shdn't be in it at all!.. //
Very True, Guts matters a lot.
@Syam - Pity your friend. She said that she doesn't want to live with him two days after the wedding? How crazy can she be?? As S0ulasylum told, she surely deserves a hard hit on the face for doing such a thing.
@Shuba - Yes, its really crazy to pull out at the last moment. It causes lots of inconvenience for so many people.
At July 21, 2006 6:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mostly in this case, the girl holds the grip to decide the life of her lover, her fiance and the prestige of her's and her fiance's family. I would say that the girl should be matured enough to decide whether to fight for her love or to accept her parent's choice. But this decision needs to be done earlier (atleast before her engagement). After she takes her decision she should also be strong enough to implement it. If she decides to fight for her love, well and good. In other case, if she decides to accept her parent's choice, she should open up all her love matters to her wud be at the earliest (on their first or second meet). Now a days most of the guys have the broad mind to accept, as they too have the same story on their part.. In case, if the guy cannot accept her after hearing her stories, its well and good that the relationship ends before starting. But if the guy comes to know at a later point (after marriage) and if he cannot accept her past, then its not only the guy and the girl who suffer, but both of their families.
Sorry, Comment Essay-writinga maariduchu...
At July 22, 2006 11:15 AM,
KK said…
@Anon - Good thoughts and nicely written. I agree with you that the love matters should be opened up as early as possible.
At July 22, 2006 1:17 PM,
Unknown said…
It's all in the guts. It is easy to say that one should tell about one's love interest to his/her parents. But the fear of hurting their parents' sentiments stops one from doing that.
And regarding telling to one's spouse (after marriage), that would be ridiculous. There is no point telling about their first love,
second love..... Not everybody takes it in the right spirit. While some may be impressed about the honesty of their respective spouse, others may find it as being cheated. So, let it be buried.
At July 22, 2006 10:52 PM,
starry said…
I think its really bad that she waited till x came to India for the marriage to tell him about the person she loves. so what was the conversation like before, was she simply telling xthat she loves him or that she will marry him. I think if she really cannot forget her lover and start a new life with x then she should stand up and talk it over with them.I think parents are a lot more understanding nowdays and will be on her side. If she does go ahead and marry x I think she should tell him about her past love rather than he find out later and he wont trust her.I think its better to start a marriage on a clean slate. no secrets to hide.
At July 23, 2006 11:26 AM,
KK said…
@Karthik - Welcome Karthik!!! I understand that it's not a easy task to tell about one's love to parents, especially if from an orthodox family. But if that person has a strong sentiment of not hurting his/her parents then they should not have committed into a relationship with someone.
And regarding telling about the past love to one's spouse, I feel its better to tell rather than burying it under. If at all the spouse comes to know at a later stage, it will create a lot more confusion than telling it head front.
@Starry Nights - Welcome Starry nights!!! Yes, it was bad on her part. I am not sure what their conversations were but she should have created an opputunity to tell about this to X earlier. Yeah parents are a lot more understanding these days. I agree with you that life should be started as a clean slate with no secrets hid.
At July 23, 2006 8:54 PM,
Pavithra said…
First regarding Mr.X's story..the girl was foolish enough to do whatever she did. Not a week before marriage.In this case its always the fiancee who gets disappointed. What did Mr.X do? He might have started loving her by heart.
When a person doesn't have the guts to convince their parents, they should not fall in love. But somehow, people never realize it when they r in love. I feel it's always good to trust your fiancee/husband in anything. I think, how your spouse was before marriage doesn't really matter as long as you are the only person he loves after marriage.
At July 24, 2006 1:13 PM,
KK said…
@Pavithra - I am not sure what Mr.X did.
//I think, how your spouse was before marriage doesn't really matter as long as you are the only person he loves after marriage. //
Well Said, its my beleif too.
At July 25, 2006 9:01 AM,
s0ulasylum said…
aiyyoo.. u deleted my comment ?? *sob sob*.. i hve to hurry to find that corner in my room where i can sit n cry alone!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
At July 25, 2006 2:08 PM,
KK said…
Hey I did not delete your comment...its between prithz and Syam's comments...:D
Too much work is it??? Have some vendakka sambar to refresh yourself :D
At July 26, 2006 10:19 AM,
s0ulasylum said…
aiyyoo.. not this.. my second comment.. anyway.. now i dont want vendakka sambar.. i'll adjust with chicken curry chettinaad style.. wt say? :)
At July 26, 2006 3:38 PM,
KK said…
@S0ulasylum - There was no second comment from you...Is it posible for you to post again? Okies chicken curry, but I don't know if it is Chettinad style, because I know to cook chicken only one way :)
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